as 2010 is slowly making its exit i am reflecting on the past twelve months of my existence...done a lot of thinking these past months and have had many epiphany's, although probably not enough...done a lot of crying...a lot of self-discovery...and certainly a whole lot of praying...but somewhere along the line i realized that when i do so unselfishly and without my own agenda, amazing things happen...
i've learned that the first person i needed to forgive was myself...plain and simple...until i did that, i couldn't truly forgive someone else...i've spent a lot of time dredging up old painful memories that i just sort of buried but always knew their heads were still poking through...i finally decided it was time to not just pluck the tops, but to dig down to the roots and remove every trace of them...it's hard because i found myself not wanting to get rid of everything...not sure if it's because i have a tendency to hold on to things in order to punish myself? perhaps that's a question for freud...all i know is that i had to get in there and pluck and prune and do some digging...and it's done...i am not going to go back and punish myself for things that have happened in the past...i've made peace with them...it's over...they no longer have power over me...
i've also learned that until i fully surrender myself that i cannot be healed...until i let go completely God can't really do what HE wants to do with me and through me...so this year, i am going to surrender and just let Him be...i've realized that the harder i try to control things, the more out of control they get...i can't do it on my own...i have to rely on God...and yes, i am sure many of you think i've become this religious nut...actually far from that...i have just accepted that for me and my life i had to fully embrace God...it may not be your thing...that's cool...everyone is on their own journey...but it won't stop me from praying for you and helping you out when you need it...to me, being a christian isn't about being in a church...it's a verb, not a noun...it's living a life in which i sacrifice to help others before myself...that materials don't mean much...that people come first...and that being real and honest and a sinner and exposing my faults is okay...if anyone could glean anything from my life and experiences, then awesome...
i am ready to venture into this year with the knowledge that before it is over i will be tested in ways i never thought possible...i will take on challenges that will tax me mentally, physically, and emotionally, but come with enormous rewards...and i don't mean financially...i know that this year will bring me into contact with people i've never met from all over the world...and i will be able to share my life with them...i am not fully sure of what i will be doing...i have an idea...but it's all about being ready to take on the life God has chosen for me...i pray for strength, humor, and above all, the right words to say at the right time...
for my kids, i pray that this year they will come to know God in an even greater way...that they will embrace life, not be afraid and will go into their future with spirit and truth and love...
for my family, i pray that when the sorrow comes, we will all be able to comfort each other with love and grace...and that we will make memories and have laughter along the way...
for my friends...i pray that you will all realize the potential, gifts, and talents that you have and will step out bravely into the world knowing there is no one like you...
most of all...i pray that this is the year we all learn to live and not merely exist...
