i cannot believe how many ads and infomercials on tv are for diets, weight loss products, exercise videos, plans, etc....it's amazing...but it just kind of dawned on me...if there was only ONE way to lose weight and be healthy, then wouldn't the others fade off into the distance like the parachute pants and banana clip? i guess what i'm saying is that i could design my own diet and exercise program, be successful at it, market it, and sell it to many people that are trying to find the "quick fix" like i have...obviously, there's more to this whole losing weight thing than just eating certain foods or combo of foods or doing these dance steps and not those gut busting ab moves...
again, for me, my gaining weight has been more about emotions and life than about the food itself...like for instance, this weekend was a difficult one with alex...he has moved back home and is planning on finishing school, which is great, but it's been difficult...every time we get into something, i feel the need to go back to my way of coping which is eating...and not doing that has been hard...i even had to leave the house and go for a ride the other night just so i wouldn't eat because i was angry over an argument we'd had...
this whole losing weight stuff is so much harder than expected...i appreciate those who say "just eat better and exercise and the weight will fall off"...REALLY? i've done that, but i have yet to have half my ass fall off me while i'm walking those five miles down mainstreet...it's difficult to do this, but for some reason, i feel like this time it's the right time to do it...
wish me luck...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
not what i'm eating, but what's eating me...
for the longest time i've been feeling like i needed to make some changes in my life...not just physically, although, those seem to somehow be the easiest some times, but in all the areas of my life...a couple of months back, i went to see a nutritionist because my doctor felt my blood pressure being elevated might have something to do with my being overweight...REALLY? it took you how many years in medical school to come up with that nugget of info? anyway, irritation aside, i went and saw her...
she was a very nice gal...not sure if that's pc, but i can't say lady because that implies she's old and she's not, in fact she was much younger than i am...however, i digress. she and i talked about my typical diet (DIET?) and what would work best for me...i told her what i really wanted was someone to just say "eat this, this, and this, this much, not that", but of course, we're all about free will, so she convinced me i could do it on my own...LADY, have you seen the size of my thighs? anyway...i told her i am not always sure about portion sizes so she pulled out all these cool little teaching gadgets that showed me the "right" sized portions of food...they looked suspiciously like play food from a kid's kitchen set, but again, i digress...well, after all was said and done, we came up with (actually, she suggested and i nodded) the plan for me to write down everything i eat in a day, only counting calories and to eat no more than 2000 calories a day? 2000? seriously? that seemed like a lot of food to be eating...and writing it down...well, okay, i said i'd give it a whirl...
the next day came and i honestly gave it an honest, old college try, but in the two weeks that i counted calories and wrote every bit of morsel i put into my mouth down on paper, i found out a couple of things about me:
1. the more i had to think about food, the more i thought about food...make sense? it seemed that all i did was think "when do i eat again? how much? portion sizes?"
2. i tended to be extremely full and STILL i was eating at least 500-1000 calories less a day than i was expected to eat
3. sometimes i was hungry, but since i had to write it down, i'd just skip eating it because god forbid, this woman was going to be reading what i was eating and did i really want her to know that i consider a meal guaccamole and pita chips?
so, after two weeks of dutifully recording every bite...i quit doing it because, frankly, it was making me a little crazy...and i know this will sound a little weird, but losing weight started to freak me out as well...really? losing weight, which was the whole point of this was somehow making me feel weird? yes, because i found that for me, it's not about the food i'm putting into my mouth, but WHY i'm putting that food into my mouth!!! AH HA!!! the V-8 moment...
and the V-8 moment is this...my fat has become my protection...not like bullet proof or anything, i'm not going to make any movies off of it...but, being overweight has become synonymise with not having to deal with a lot of things...like relationships...
after doing some real soul searching i realized that for every relationship i had go bad, i've put on weight...with each pound, i started to cocoon myself from having to be in another relationship and therefore couldn't get hurt again...for me, it goes like this...
lose weight-become attractive-man finds me attractive-get into relationship-relationship bites the dirt-feel crappy about myself-gain weight-no man finds me attractive-am safe...
oh my gosh, would freud have a field day with me!!! but, through all of this, i have also come to realize that the extra weight which i thought was protecting me, has actually been hurting me...i don't mean just physically, duh, i mean in all ways...it has kept me from doing a lot of things that i know i could do and do well...it has become an embarrassment when i see myself in pictures...it has become this albatross that i hate...and i know that it's time to crack this addiction...
i truly believe that until the mind, heart, and soul are in direct alignment, nothing can be accomplished...and i really believe that the time for all three of mine to be in working harmony with each other is now...i don't want to be overweight anymore, but even more than that, i don't want to be unhealthy in any area of my life...i feel like i'm overweight in my spiritual, emotional, and mental "bodies" as well...i feel sluggish, unmotivated, and a little defeated...so, now it's time to deal with each of the issues head on...
i have always said that i didn't care if i weighed 400 pounds if i could strut my stuff in my bikini...meaning, for me, it's not about the number, it's about how i feel inside my own skin...and right now, i don't feel good in this extra large "fat suit" i've created...so, i've given myself 94 days to get things sorted out and see who i am at the end of the tunnel...why 94 days? well, that's how many days until i see bon jovi in milwaukee...duh...
she was a very nice gal...not sure if that's pc, but i can't say lady because that implies she's old and she's not, in fact she was much younger than i am...however, i digress. she and i talked about my typical diet (DIET?) and what would work best for me...i told her what i really wanted was someone to just say "eat this, this, and this, this much, not that", but of course, we're all about free will, so she convinced me i could do it on my own...LADY, have you seen the size of my thighs? anyway...i told her i am not always sure about portion sizes so she pulled out all these cool little teaching gadgets that showed me the "right" sized portions of food...they looked suspiciously like play food from a kid's kitchen set, but again, i digress...well, after all was said and done, we came up with (actually, she suggested and i nodded) the plan for me to write down everything i eat in a day, only counting calories and to eat no more than 2000 calories a day? 2000? seriously? that seemed like a lot of food to be eating...and writing it down...well, okay, i said i'd give it a whirl...
the next day came and i honestly gave it an honest, old college try, but in the two weeks that i counted calories and wrote every bit of morsel i put into my mouth down on paper, i found out a couple of things about me:
1. the more i had to think about food, the more i thought about food...make sense? it seemed that all i did was think "when do i eat again? how much? portion sizes?"
2. i tended to be extremely full and STILL i was eating at least 500-1000 calories less a day than i was expected to eat
3. sometimes i was hungry, but since i had to write it down, i'd just skip eating it because god forbid, this woman was going to be reading what i was eating and did i really want her to know that i consider a meal guaccamole and pita chips?
so, after two weeks of dutifully recording every bite...i quit doing it because, frankly, it was making me a little crazy...and i know this will sound a little weird, but losing weight started to freak me out as well...really? losing weight, which was the whole point of this was somehow making me feel weird? yes, because i found that for me, it's not about the food i'm putting into my mouth, but WHY i'm putting that food into my mouth!!! AH HA!!! the V-8 moment...
and the V-8 moment is this...my fat has become my protection...not like bullet proof or anything, i'm not going to make any movies off of it...but, being overweight has become synonymise with not having to deal with a lot of things...like relationships...
after doing some real soul searching i realized that for every relationship i had go bad, i've put on weight...with each pound, i started to cocoon myself from having to be in another relationship and therefore couldn't get hurt again...for me, it goes like this...
lose weight-become attractive-man finds me attractive-get into relationship-relationship bites the dirt-feel crappy about myself-gain weight-no man finds me attractive-am safe...
oh my gosh, would freud have a field day with me!!! but, through all of this, i have also come to realize that the extra weight which i thought was protecting me, has actually been hurting me...i don't mean just physically, duh, i mean in all ways...it has kept me from doing a lot of things that i know i could do and do well...it has become an embarrassment when i see myself in pictures...it has become this albatross that i hate...and i know that it's time to crack this addiction...
i truly believe that until the mind, heart, and soul are in direct alignment, nothing can be accomplished...and i really believe that the time for all three of mine to be in working harmony with each other is now...i don't want to be overweight anymore, but even more than that, i don't want to be unhealthy in any area of my life...i feel like i'm overweight in my spiritual, emotional, and mental "bodies" as well...i feel sluggish, unmotivated, and a little defeated...so, now it's time to deal with each of the issues head on...
i have always said that i didn't care if i weighed 400 pounds if i could strut my stuff in my bikini...meaning, for me, it's not about the number, it's about how i feel inside my own skin...and right now, i don't feel good in this extra large "fat suit" i've created...so, i've given myself 94 days to get things sorted out and see who i am at the end of the tunnel...why 94 days? well, that's how many days until i see bon jovi in milwaukee...duh...
Friday, December 31, 2010
welcome to the world...
as 2010 is slowly making its exit i am reflecting on the past twelve months of my existence...done a lot of thinking these past months and have had many epiphany's, although probably not enough...done a lot of crying...a lot of self-discovery...and certainly a whole lot of praying...but somewhere along the line i realized that when i do so unselfishly and without my own agenda, amazing things happen...
i've learned that the first person i needed to forgive was myself...plain and simple...until i did that, i couldn't truly forgive someone else...i've spent a lot of time dredging up old painful memories that i just sort of buried but always knew their heads were still poking through...i finally decided it was time to not just pluck the tops, but to dig down to the roots and remove every trace of them...it's hard because i found myself not wanting to get rid of everything...not sure if it's because i have a tendency to hold on to things in order to punish myself? perhaps that's a question for freud...all i know is that i had to get in there and pluck and prune and do some digging...and it's done...i am not going to go back and punish myself for things that have happened in the past...i've made peace with them...it's over...they no longer have power over me...
i've also learned that until i fully surrender myself that i cannot be healed...until i let go completely God can't really do what HE wants to do with me and through me...so this year, i am going to surrender and just let Him be...i've realized that the harder i try to control things, the more out of control they get...i can't do it on my own...i have to rely on God...and yes, i am sure many of you think i've become this religious nut...actually far from that...i have just accepted that for me and my life i had to fully embrace God...it may not be your thing...that's cool...everyone is on their own journey...but it won't stop me from praying for you and helping you out when you need it...to me, being a christian isn't about being in a church...it's a verb, not a noun...it's living a life in which i sacrifice to help others before myself...that materials don't mean much...that people come first...and that being real and honest and a sinner and exposing my faults is okay...if anyone could glean anything from my life and experiences, then awesome...
i am ready to venture into this year with the knowledge that before it is over i will be tested in ways i never thought possible...i will take on challenges that will tax me mentally, physically, and emotionally, but come with enormous rewards...and i don't mean financially...i know that this year will bring me into contact with people i've never met from all over the world...and i will be able to share my life with them...i am not fully sure of what i will be doing...i have an idea...but it's all about being ready to take on the life God has chosen for me...i pray for strength, humor, and above all, the right words to say at the right time...
for my kids, i pray that this year they will come to know God in an even greater way...that they will embrace life, not be afraid and will go into their future with spirit and truth and love...
for my family, i pray that when the sorrow comes, we will all be able to comfort each other with love and grace...and that we will make memories and have laughter along the way...
for my friends...i pray that you will all realize the potential, gifts, and talents that you have and will step out bravely into the world knowing there is no one like you...
most of all...i pray that this is the year we all learn to live and not merely exist...
i've learned that the first person i needed to forgive was myself...plain and simple...until i did that, i couldn't truly forgive someone else...i've spent a lot of time dredging up old painful memories that i just sort of buried but always knew their heads were still poking through...i finally decided it was time to not just pluck the tops, but to dig down to the roots and remove every trace of them...it's hard because i found myself not wanting to get rid of everything...not sure if it's because i have a tendency to hold on to things in order to punish myself? perhaps that's a question for freud...all i know is that i had to get in there and pluck and prune and do some digging...and it's done...i am not going to go back and punish myself for things that have happened in the past...i've made peace with them...it's over...they no longer have power over me...
i've also learned that until i fully surrender myself that i cannot be healed...until i let go completely God can't really do what HE wants to do with me and through me...so this year, i am going to surrender and just let Him be...i've realized that the harder i try to control things, the more out of control they get...i can't do it on my own...i have to rely on God...and yes, i am sure many of you think i've become this religious nut...actually far from that...i have just accepted that for me and my life i had to fully embrace God...it may not be your thing...that's cool...everyone is on their own journey...but it won't stop me from praying for you and helping you out when you need it...to me, being a christian isn't about being in a church...it's a verb, not a noun...it's living a life in which i sacrifice to help others before myself...that materials don't mean much...that people come first...and that being real and honest and a sinner and exposing my faults is okay...if anyone could glean anything from my life and experiences, then awesome...
i am ready to venture into this year with the knowledge that before it is over i will be tested in ways i never thought possible...i will take on challenges that will tax me mentally, physically, and emotionally, but come with enormous rewards...and i don't mean financially...i know that this year will bring me into contact with people i've never met from all over the world...and i will be able to share my life with them...i am not fully sure of what i will be doing...i have an idea...but it's all about being ready to take on the life God has chosen for me...i pray for strength, humor, and above all, the right words to say at the right time...
for my kids, i pray that this year they will come to know God in an even greater way...that they will embrace life, not be afraid and will go into their future with spirit and truth and love...
for my family, i pray that when the sorrow comes, we will all be able to comfort each other with love and grace...and that we will make memories and have laughter along the way...
for my friends...i pray that you will all realize the potential, gifts, and talents that you have and will step out bravely into the world knowing there is no one like you...
most of all...i pray that this is the year we all learn to live and not merely exist...
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