it's all about the glitter...

i've been thinking a lot lately about life and direction and the past and regrets and all those things i tend to think about when i'm alone...and it's quiet...and there's nothing to watch on tv...and another birthday has reared its head...

i've come to some realizations...i want the last half of my life to be richer than the first...i want to be fearless, i want to be someone's hero, i want to be an inspiration and i want to be productive...i've spent too many of my days looking back wishing things were different, wishing i'd made better choices, that if only i could go back in time i could right all the wrongs...but now i know that that's just an excuse not to move on in my life today...i'm feeling ready to break that record over my knee, you know the one, that keeps playing the same mantra over and over and over...

there are still so many things that i want to accomplish, places i want to go, people i want to meet, but i can't do it just by talking about it...i have to actually act upon it...and that's scary...what if i fail...or even worse, what if i succeed...if i succeed will people expect more of me than i can expect of myself...will they hold me to such a high regard that i can't measure up time and again...i don't want to let anyone down...not anymore...

i think about all the things i've done in my life that required me to step out in faith and take a leap and it somewhat overwhelms me...perhaps i am just enough of a rebel...just enough of a fool to not worry about the consequences and to just jump and know that someone will catch me...i want to once again soar and feel the wind on my face and scream with exhilaration...

these past couple of years have been ones that have kept me tethered to the ground in that mucky place of ick...but things have changed and new opportunities present themselves to me every day...it's my choice if i want to cut the tether or blame someone else because they didn't cut it for me...hey, you, over there....HAND ME THE SCISSORS...i'm ready to fly.

piece of cake

friday i picked up tess early from school to head up north to see alex and the rest of the family...i was excited as i'd actually been prepared this time!  i vacuumed and washed the car, both inside and out, ran all my errands, and even had everything packed and most loaded thursday night...i picked her up at 12:30 and that is when the fun began...


as she and i were walking out of the school, i heard this clicking sound...i looked down at my left shoe and noticed that part of the heel and fallen off...oh, well, the shoes lasted a year, which is really long for me seeing as how hard i am on shoes...we proceed to drive out of the parking lot when i have this full blown allergy/asthma attack...quickly did an assessment that i'd probably better get to a doctor as i didn't really want to pass out on the highway and have to rely on tess to drive the car...get to urgent care and they totally freaked out!!!  i kept reassuring them that it was NOT a heart attack, but an asthma attack and just needed to see someone...had to get in a wheelchair and be wheeled to the er...long story short, sat for three hours only to be told i have bad allergies...YA THINK?   anyway.....finally got on the road three hours later than intended.


about a half hour out of town, stella (our mini dach) starts to vomit profusely in her kennel...pull over, get everything cleaned up...and i was SO prepared!  i had disinfectant wipes and a bottle of water...all was well...decided she probably needed to ride up front as maybe she gets carsick...we tootled along until we were about five minutes outside of rice lake, when stella vomits all over tess!  luckily i was able to get somewhere quick and could get both of them cleaned up...although, the supply of wet wipes was now gone...after a quick dinner, clean clothes and a big hug, we were again on our way...


i put stella back into her kennel figuring she couldn't possibly do it again....yeah, right...got to seeley when the drama unfolded yet again...this time, i had no wipes, except for the two that we got at KFC in rice lake that were so thin, they immediately disintegrated upon opening the package...between that and some kleenex and the little bit of water that was left, we managed to somehow (and by we i mean me) get it cleaned up yet again...my feelings ran from disgust and frustration to feeling sorry for stella...all i wanted to do was get to my parents house, which normally takes 2 1/2 hours door to door, had now taken us five and we still had over an hour to go!


i prayed we wouldn't get stopped for leaving an abundance of used kleenex on the side of the road, but i had no garbage bags left and i was not about to transport dog vomit filled kleenex...sorry...my apologies to the environment...however, kleenex is biodegradable...


we stopped in hayward at a gas station so i could wash up and buy some more wet wipes...just in case...figured while i was there i should buy a lottery ticket, because, hell, what else could go wrong!  oh, yes, i forgot...while we were in the er, stella peed all over her pillow that she sleeps on in her kennel, so i had to use one of the two garbage bags to bag that up...anyway...


we FINALLY arrived at my parents house at 6:40 pm...


now, you'd think that the worst was behind us, but alas, not to be...saturday was pretty rocky...lots of trials and tribulations, although there was no dog vomit (thank god) involved...just quite a bit of yelling, hurt feelings, unkind words, and tears...

sunday finally came around and things were remarkably better...we had a family gathering, including my new three week old grandniece and it was wonderful...we celebrated my dad's and my birthday as well...lots of laughter and love....




as i was driving back on sunday afternoon, i had a lot of time to reflect and think...i realized that although my family is far from perfect, it is perfect for me...sure, i wish that we got along better some times, but when things get tough, we can pull together and be a very strong unit...we continue to argue and fight, but i think that's just the way we communicate as a family.  we don't have the sit down, feel good, everybody talk about their feelings in a healthy way, and then give a round of hugs...we do it by talking loudly, sometimes even yelling, and getting everything out in the open...yes, feelings get hurt, but there has never been a time when we haven't apologized to each other about that...we love fiercely and we love deeply...together we are strong and together we survive...

our family has changed in the past three weeks...my brother became a grandpa, my parents are now great-grandparents, and i am now a great aunt...it's also a big year...my dad turns 80 in a couple of weeks...that's so weird for me...i remember MY grandpa turning 80...and in a couple of weeks i turn 43...which isn't so weird because i never feel more than 25 anyway!


with baby kiera meeting the family for the first time this weekend, i remembered the first time i brought tess to meet the family ten years ago...my niece that just became a mom wasn't much older than tess is now...and it made me think back over the past ten years and really made me question what i've done these past ten years...what goals have i accomplished, what dreams have i fulfilled, what purpose do i serve...it has inspired me to make this year something worthwhile and to live with purpose...to live with feeling...to live with grace...and to live with love...


i never set resolutions for myself because...why...i break them too easily!  so i am setting the following goals instead...


every day i want to be able to answer the following questions:  did i live today honestly?  did i live today with a purpose?  did i live today fearlessly?  am i better today than i was yesterday? 

i figure if i can answer "yes" to these, then it was a day well spent...i don't want to get to the end of my life and wish i would have lived without fear, without regret, and with more love...i don't know how many more birthday cakes are in my future, so i am going to make sure that the next time i blow out the candles, i can close my eyes and say, "it's been a helluva great ride"...









 

"Insert slur here"

I HATE YOU!!!

how can three words cause so much hurt and turmoil?  these past few weeks i've read and heard countless stories of teens and young adults that are so tormented that they have taken their own lives...why?   why do we continue to allow bullying to happen?  why do we sit by and watch when we could be doing something?

and seriously, if i have to hear ONE more adult blow it off as, "well, bullying/teasing is just a part of life, everyone goes through it"...BULLSHIT!  that is NOT an excuse!  bullying does not have to be a tolerated part of anyone's life.  and yes, i say this as an adult that was teased and bullied unmercifully as a child, teen, and young adult...and no, i don't think it was "just a part of my life" and no, i haven't gotten over it...

i have been called every word synonymous for fat...i've been called a slut, i've been called a whore, i've been called many, many names...did i deserve them?  absolutely not...i don't care if i or anyone else were to weigh a bridge limit...who the HELL has the right to call me or anyone else a durogatory name because of it?  who gave these people permission to make fun of anyone?  oh, it's just in fun...again, i say BULLSHIT!  when you are eleven years old and contemplating suicide, it's not fun...when you are trying to figure out how to get a gun to blow your head off because you cannot take one more day of going to school and hearing everyone in your class call you fat or a lesbian or a fag or a moron or retarded or....(insert slur here)...it is NOT okay...it is NOT just a part of life...it is NOT something to just "get over"...

you can beat me to a pulp and my bruises will heal, but you call me one name and i will carry that forever...

i can walk into any school in this country and i will hear and see children being bullied...do i have some sort of special "bully detector"?  no, i have ears that hear and eyes that see...just like all of you do...i don't care how great any school claims to be or how tolerant or how much they claim to have a respectful environment...SOMEONE at that school is being bullied...but i wonder, who will listen...who will hear...who will do something about it...will it take some child to kill himself or to be the fatal victim of someone's hate before anything is done?  and then what will be the excuse for waiting so long?  "oh, we didn't know...nothing like this has ever happened here before"...and seriously, no offense to guidance counselors and school psychiatrists, but you are going to be the last person a child who is being tormented is going to come to freely...when you are bullied, there is so much shame...and to have to admit that to someone else, especially an adult...you just can't imagine how horrible that is...and how hard that is...and how much that child would just like you to be their ears and eyes for them and confront their tormentor for them...

a lot of times, people tend to blow off someone being bullied because they think that person is a "wimp" and should just toughen up...really?  hmmm...let's see how well you'd "toughen up" in this scenario:

this child didn't sleep much the night before because their stomach was in such a knot knowing they could not get out of having to go to school in the morning...there is so much anxiety they can hardly get dressed without gagging...walking to the school bus stop brings the child to tears knowing that as soon as their foot hits the first step of the bus, the bullying will start...the bus comes and sure enough, someone starts "oh, don't sit by *** because she's a lesbian and she'll do stuff to you"...finally finding a seat, the child just tries to keep it together and trying hard to not make eye contact with anyone because "looking" at someone only brings on more taunts...getting to school, the child is tripped while getting off the bus...but, what's new...trudging into school, the child climbs the stairs to her classroom, only to hear the whispers and snickers of her classmates...opening her locker, she finds a piece of paper taped to the shelf...the child opens it and it reads... "all the girls in the sixth grade are invited to *** party but you because you're gay and a lesbian and we don't want you to do stuff to us...ha ha"...the girl fights back tears and crumples up the note...going into the classroom she is greeted by more taunts and jeers, of course under their breath so the teacher doesn't hear...although, not sure how she couldn't as she's standing RIGHT there...the girl takes her seat and the two girls who have desks on either side of her immediately move theirs away from her...just so "she won't touch them"...one of the girls makes a comment to one of the boys about how lucky he is that he's a boy and "she" can't do anything to him...this goes on until lunchtime, where the girl sits alone...AGAIN...for the third month in a row...although, she keeps to herself, it doesn't stop others from coming by her to make comments...this comment she still remembers to this day "there's three groups of girls...there's them (the popular girls), there's us (the sorta popular girls) and there's ***"...outside on the playground the girls sits by herself...again, avoiding anyone else, but yet still having to hear the comments, taunts, and jeers from the others...the afternoon goes much like the morning...finally school is over and the girl goes home...only to spend another sleepless night dreading tomorrow...

if you haven't guessed...this girl was me...in sixth grade...i am 42 years old and still carry the hurt from all those years ago...and to this day, i still don't know what i did or said to deserve them...i have never been a lesbian, not that i have anything against lesbians, i just wasn't one...HELL, i didn't even know what the word meant and i was being called one...

so yes, i understand first hand how horribly cruel others can be and how devastating bullying can be...because of everything that happened that year, i put on weight over the summer and in seventh grade i got to enjoy the comments, taunts, and jeers of being fat...yeah, that was fun...

i still find it interesting that the two occasions that i finally had enough and stood up for myself, i got in trouble for hitting the other person...not that i am condoning violence as a means to end bullying...it obviously didn't help me anyway...

over the years i have heard countless stories worse than mine from those that were taunted...and no, it doesn't get easier hearing them...i think of my beautiful friend that confided in me that all he wanted to do was kill himself as a teen because he couldn't take it anymore and all i can say is HOW DARE YOU to those who taunted him...how dare you think for one second that you had the right to hurt this person...this human being...this beautiful, amazing person that i love dearly...i think about all those beautiful, amazing people out there that are being hurt every day that just can't take it anymore and find their only way out...i am angry that because of someone else, i could have lost my friend...and others have lost friends and family because of the bullies...

i haven't shared the story of my sixth grade year very often, and certainly not in such a public manner, and i don't do it now for sympathy...i am doing so because 31 years later, i think about it and my heart still hurts and i still cry...

PLEASE...if anything, get involved!  be the eyes and ears for those who are being bullied and tormented and hurt...bullying takes place EVERYWHERE...schools, places of worship, work...we cannot stand back anymore and let someone else do it for us...we have to be willing to stand up for someone else...lives are depending upon us...

please stand in the gap for someone today...take care of each other...