i cannot believe how many ads and infomercials on tv are for diets, weight loss products, exercise videos, plans, etc....it's amazing...but it just kind of dawned on me...if there was only ONE way to lose weight and be healthy, then wouldn't the others fade off into the distance like the parachute pants and banana clip? i guess what i'm saying is that i could design my own diet and exercise program, be successful at it, market it, and sell it to many people that are trying to find the "quick fix" like i have...obviously, there's more to this whole losing weight thing than just eating certain foods or combo of foods or doing these dance steps and not those gut busting ab moves...
again, for me, my gaining weight has been more about emotions and life than about the food itself...like for instance, this weekend was a difficult one with alex...he has moved back home and is planning on finishing school, which is great, but it's been difficult...every time we get into something, i feel the need to go back to my way of coping which is eating...and not doing that has been hard...i even had to leave the house and go for a ride the other night just so i wouldn't eat because i was angry over an argument we'd had...
this whole losing weight stuff is so much harder than expected...i appreciate those who say "just eat better and exercise and the weight will fall off"...REALLY? i've done that, but i have yet to have half my ass fall off me while i'm walking those five miles down mainstreet...it's difficult to do this, but for some reason, i feel like this time it's the right time to do it...
wish me luck...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
not what i'm eating, but what's eating me...
for the longest time i've been feeling like i needed to make some changes in my life...not just physically, although, those seem to somehow be the easiest some times, but in all the areas of my life...a couple of months back, i went to see a nutritionist because my doctor felt my blood pressure being elevated might have something to do with my being overweight...REALLY? it took you how many years in medical school to come up with that nugget of info? anyway, irritation aside, i went and saw her...
she was a very nice gal...not sure if that's pc, but i can't say lady because that implies she's old and she's not, in fact she was much younger than i am...however, i digress. she and i talked about my typical diet (DIET?) and what would work best for me...i told her what i really wanted was someone to just say "eat this, this, and this, this much, not that", but of course, we're all about free will, so she convinced me i could do it on my own...LADY, have you seen the size of my thighs? anyway...i told her i am not always sure about portion sizes so she pulled out all these cool little teaching gadgets that showed me the "right" sized portions of food...they looked suspiciously like play food from a kid's kitchen set, but again, i digress...well, after all was said and done, we came up with (actually, she suggested and i nodded) the plan for me to write down everything i eat in a day, only counting calories and to eat no more than 2000 calories a day? 2000? seriously? that seemed like a lot of food to be eating...and writing it down...well, okay, i said i'd give it a whirl...
the next day came and i honestly gave it an honest, old college try, but in the two weeks that i counted calories and wrote every bit of morsel i put into my mouth down on paper, i found out a couple of things about me:
1. the more i had to think about food, the more i thought about food...make sense? it seemed that all i did was think "when do i eat again? how much? portion sizes?"
2. i tended to be extremely full and STILL i was eating at least 500-1000 calories less a day than i was expected to eat
3. sometimes i was hungry, but since i had to write it down, i'd just skip eating it because god forbid, this woman was going to be reading what i was eating and did i really want her to know that i consider a meal guaccamole and pita chips?
so, after two weeks of dutifully recording every bite...i quit doing it because, frankly, it was making me a little crazy...and i know this will sound a little weird, but losing weight started to freak me out as well...really? losing weight, which was the whole point of this was somehow making me feel weird? yes, because i found that for me, it's not about the food i'm putting into my mouth, but WHY i'm putting that food into my mouth!!! AH HA!!! the V-8 moment...
and the V-8 moment is this...my fat has become my protection...not like bullet proof or anything, i'm not going to make any movies off of it...but, being overweight has become synonymise with not having to deal with a lot of things...like relationships...
after doing some real soul searching i realized that for every relationship i had go bad, i've put on weight...with each pound, i started to cocoon myself from having to be in another relationship and therefore couldn't get hurt again...for me, it goes like this...
lose weight-become attractive-man finds me attractive-get into relationship-relationship bites the dirt-feel crappy about myself-gain weight-no man finds me attractive-am safe...
oh my gosh, would freud have a field day with me!!! but, through all of this, i have also come to realize that the extra weight which i thought was protecting me, has actually been hurting me...i don't mean just physically, duh, i mean in all ways...it has kept me from doing a lot of things that i know i could do and do well...it has become an embarrassment when i see myself in pictures...it has become this albatross that i hate...and i know that it's time to crack this addiction...
i truly believe that until the mind, heart, and soul are in direct alignment, nothing can be accomplished...and i really believe that the time for all three of mine to be in working harmony with each other is now...i don't want to be overweight anymore, but even more than that, i don't want to be unhealthy in any area of my life...i feel like i'm overweight in my spiritual, emotional, and mental "bodies" as well...i feel sluggish, unmotivated, and a little defeated...so, now it's time to deal with each of the issues head on...
i have always said that i didn't care if i weighed 400 pounds if i could strut my stuff in my bikini...meaning, for me, it's not about the number, it's about how i feel inside my own skin...and right now, i don't feel good in this extra large "fat suit" i've created...so, i've given myself 94 days to get things sorted out and see who i am at the end of the tunnel...why 94 days? well, that's how many days until i see bon jovi in milwaukee...duh...
she was a very nice gal...not sure if that's pc, but i can't say lady because that implies she's old and she's not, in fact she was much younger than i am...however, i digress. she and i talked about my typical diet (DIET?) and what would work best for me...i told her what i really wanted was someone to just say "eat this, this, and this, this much, not that", but of course, we're all about free will, so she convinced me i could do it on my own...LADY, have you seen the size of my thighs? anyway...i told her i am not always sure about portion sizes so she pulled out all these cool little teaching gadgets that showed me the "right" sized portions of food...they looked suspiciously like play food from a kid's kitchen set, but again, i digress...well, after all was said and done, we came up with (actually, she suggested and i nodded) the plan for me to write down everything i eat in a day, only counting calories and to eat no more than 2000 calories a day? 2000? seriously? that seemed like a lot of food to be eating...and writing it down...well, okay, i said i'd give it a whirl...
the next day came and i honestly gave it an honest, old college try, but in the two weeks that i counted calories and wrote every bit of morsel i put into my mouth down on paper, i found out a couple of things about me:
1. the more i had to think about food, the more i thought about food...make sense? it seemed that all i did was think "when do i eat again? how much? portion sizes?"
2. i tended to be extremely full and STILL i was eating at least 500-1000 calories less a day than i was expected to eat
3. sometimes i was hungry, but since i had to write it down, i'd just skip eating it because god forbid, this woman was going to be reading what i was eating and did i really want her to know that i consider a meal guaccamole and pita chips?
so, after two weeks of dutifully recording every bite...i quit doing it because, frankly, it was making me a little crazy...and i know this will sound a little weird, but losing weight started to freak me out as well...really? losing weight, which was the whole point of this was somehow making me feel weird? yes, because i found that for me, it's not about the food i'm putting into my mouth, but WHY i'm putting that food into my mouth!!! AH HA!!! the V-8 moment...
and the V-8 moment is this...my fat has become my protection...not like bullet proof or anything, i'm not going to make any movies off of it...but, being overweight has become synonymise with not having to deal with a lot of things...like relationships...
after doing some real soul searching i realized that for every relationship i had go bad, i've put on weight...with each pound, i started to cocoon myself from having to be in another relationship and therefore couldn't get hurt again...for me, it goes like this...
lose weight-become attractive-man finds me attractive-get into relationship-relationship bites the dirt-feel crappy about myself-gain weight-no man finds me attractive-am safe...
oh my gosh, would freud have a field day with me!!! but, through all of this, i have also come to realize that the extra weight which i thought was protecting me, has actually been hurting me...i don't mean just physically, duh, i mean in all ways...it has kept me from doing a lot of things that i know i could do and do well...it has become an embarrassment when i see myself in pictures...it has become this albatross that i hate...and i know that it's time to crack this addiction...
i truly believe that until the mind, heart, and soul are in direct alignment, nothing can be accomplished...and i really believe that the time for all three of mine to be in working harmony with each other is now...i don't want to be overweight anymore, but even more than that, i don't want to be unhealthy in any area of my life...i feel like i'm overweight in my spiritual, emotional, and mental "bodies" as well...i feel sluggish, unmotivated, and a little defeated...so, now it's time to deal with each of the issues head on...
i have always said that i didn't care if i weighed 400 pounds if i could strut my stuff in my bikini...meaning, for me, it's not about the number, it's about how i feel inside my own skin...and right now, i don't feel good in this extra large "fat suit" i've created...so, i've given myself 94 days to get things sorted out and see who i am at the end of the tunnel...why 94 days? well, that's how many days until i see bon jovi in milwaukee...duh...
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