feeling like i'm on the verge of something big, exciting, and wonderful...it's like i'm anticipating this package in the mail, but don't know what it is or who it's from...just know it's coming...and i'm happy about it because it's the first time in a long time that i've felt like this without being fearful or anxious...
i absolutely love this time of year...it's cool enough to wear a sweatshirt, but still warm enough to wear a pair of shorts with it too...for me, i always feel like this time of year is the beginning of the year...not january 1st. perhaps it has something to do with the kids going back to school or the leaves starting to change color. it's when i do my "spring cleaning" and look forward to changing the furniture around, cleaning out closets, and getting things organized...
i'm feeling that way about my life as well. i am ready to make some major changes in my life and start rearranging things on the inside of me as well. i don't believe in making resolutions because for me, they're too easy to blow off when things get tough...so, i've decided to just spend some quiet time in thought...and prayer...and listen to what is being asked of me. i'm feeling a real sense of readiness and know that this time i'm able to accomplish whatever it is that i set my mind to...
praying for all of you that during this time of year, you'll be able to hear the voice of God and be willing to do what He is asking of you too...
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
the flip-flop wearing christian with the pink flamingo tattoo
i was not looking forward to this weekend at all...i knew that it would be difficult since it was the first time alex and i would be together since the decision was made for him to not live with me...he's still angry, but i can live with that...i trust in time that all things will work out for God's glory...
i've been fortunate enough to spend the weekend at my cousin, tina and her husband brian's, bed and breakfast in ashland, called 'the inn at timber cove'...i would highly recommend it for anyone that is needing some peace and renewal in their life to check it out...perhaps because it's next door to my grandparents old place that i feel such a connection here? but, i think it's mostly because it's truly a God's country kind of place. there's paths to walk in the woods and flowers and trees everywhere and i am continually reminded of all the gifts that have been given to us.
feeling much more positive and ready to take on the challenges that are ahead, knowing that tough times will continue to come, but also knowing that i can rely on the strength of those around me and most of all on God...i pray for all of those in our world that are going through the blackest of times and do not have God in their life...i know what that feels like...i know what it is to be so far down in the ickyness of despair and shame and fear and truly believing that there is no way out...i've lived those days of being only in the moment and feeling that my time on earth is all there is and that horrendous notion of thinking that i'd already screwed up so much of my life that there was no other option except to live the rest of my days being unhappy, sad, and downtrodden...
i am forever grateful to the one comment of my brother tim that changed it all...he and i were outside one night and i was feeling incredibly low...my relationship with doug had just ended and i was feeling like more of a failure than usual. tim sensed that something was going on and he asked me about it. i explained to him that i was thirty five years old and with everything i'd done wrong in my life that there was nothing positive to look forward to ever again because i KNEW that this life on earth was all i had...how depressing to think that i could live the next 50 plus years and this was all the better it was going to be...and it was so crappy....tim just looked at me and said, "what do you mean this is all you have? don't you believe in God?" i said, well, yeah, so what...what's that going to do? he replied, "you're going to heaven, aren't you?" i looked at him and said, "no. i'm not. this is all there is for me." he sort of did a double take and said, "do you accept christ as your savior and know that jesus christ is god's son?" well, duh, tim...i'd been raised catholic, you know...what about it? he said, "well, then you're going to heaven." i said, "no, i'm not..." his response, "why not?" my response, "because i'm not good enough to go"...tim then laughed heartily and said, "well no **** you're not good enough. none of us are! that's not the point...if it were, no one would ever go to heaven...no one will ever be GOOD enough to get there"...that stopped me in my tracks and made me think!
all of a sudden it came back to me that God knew i'd never be GOOD enough to go to heaven...He knew i'd never DO good enough things to get there...that's why He'd sent His son Jesus in my place to take on the sins of the world...all of a sudden there was this deep sense of peace that i hadn't felt in way too long...shortly after that i had an experience that made me totally committ my life to Christ...some of you know the story...my encounter with Him that day was totally tailored to me...God has a sense of humor because He put me in a situation that was so out of my comfort zone and one in which i had no other choice but to encounter Him...and rely on Him...and in a split second had to choose between the life that i knew and hated...or to throw all that away and follow Him...not just traipse along behind...but to REALLY choose to follow Him and change my life forever...
i'd like to say to everyone that from that moment on, my life has been nothing but rainbows and candy, but it hasn't been...it's been hard...way harder than i ever thought it would be. being a christian (not just in name) has been one of the hardest challenges i've ever had to take on in my life. it has forced me to look at things in a whole other light. see, before i could justify things that i'd say or do because i didn't have God in my life...but now that i choose to have Him, i had this conscious develop...damn conscious! :) but, as difficult as it is, i have this peace that i've never had before, too. that's been the trade off for me...do i still screw up? absolutely, every day...several times a day...do i willingly make the wrong choices...absolutely, every day...do i know that God still has my back? absolutely, every day. it's taught me that no matter how black things can get, there will always be that one person in my life that shines the light and will continue to do so...my exploration and walk with God has taken me places i never thought i'd go...has put me before groups of people i never thought i'd know...has forced me to be the person i am supposed to be...and yes, it's uncomfortable...yes, it's hard...yes, it's scary...and yet, i can't imagine doing it any other way...
i still swear like a sailor some times...i still skip going to church sometimes...i still have a drink or two sometimes...i still talk about inappropriate subjects sometimes...i still judge unfairly sometimes...i still am not perfect...all the time...and yet, God is still there. He doesn't expect me to be anything other than the woman He created me to be. He knows that the way i am is the way i'll be...and He uses that to His glory. not every christian wears a suit and tie and sits in the front pew of church every sunday...some of us have tattoo's and ride harleys...but that's okay because God planned it that way! seriously...He knew that for me to do what i do and talk to those i talk to that i couldn't do it in pantyhose and heels...he knew i could do it with a cigarette in my hand and a pair of flip-flops on my feet...and that's cool to me...
i guess in all this rambling my message is this...don't be afraid to follow God because you think you're not good enough...i am living proof that there is no one good enough! just listen to what He's saying...keep your eyes out for the signs that He will give you...and rock on with your bad self!
i've been fortunate enough to spend the weekend at my cousin, tina and her husband brian's, bed and breakfast in ashland, called 'the inn at timber cove'...i would highly recommend it for anyone that is needing some peace and renewal in their life to check it out...perhaps because it's next door to my grandparents old place that i feel such a connection here? but, i think it's mostly because it's truly a God's country kind of place. there's paths to walk in the woods and flowers and trees everywhere and i am continually reminded of all the gifts that have been given to us.
feeling much more positive and ready to take on the challenges that are ahead, knowing that tough times will continue to come, but also knowing that i can rely on the strength of those around me and most of all on God...i pray for all of those in our world that are going through the blackest of times and do not have God in their life...i know what that feels like...i know what it is to be so far down in the ickyness of despair and shame and fear and truly believing that there is no way out...i've lived those days of being only in the moment and feeling that my time on earth is all there is and that horrendous notion of thinking that i'd already screwed up so much of my life that there was no other option except to live the rest of my days being unhappy, sad, and downtrodden...
i am forever grateful to the one comment of my brother tim that changed it all...he and i were outside one night and i was feeling incredibly low...my relationship with doug had just ended and i was feeling like more of a failure than usual. tim sensed that something was going on and he asked me about it. i explained to him that i was thirty five years old and with everything i'd done wrong in my life that there was nothing positive to look forward to ever again because i KNEW that this life on earth was all i had...how depressing to think that i could live the next 50 plus years and this was all the better it was going to be...and it was so crappy....tim just looked at me and said, "what do you mean this is all you have? don't you believe in God?" i said, well, yeah, so what...what's that going to do? he replied, "you're going to heaven, aren't you?" i looked at him and said, "no. i'm not. this is all there is for me." he sort of did a double take and said, "do you accept christ as your savior and know that jesus christ is god's son?" well, duh, tim...i'd been raised catholic, you know...what about it? he said, "well, then you're going to heaven." i said, "no, i'm not..." his response, "why not?" my response, "because i'm not good enough to go"...tim then laughed heartily and said, "well no **** you're not good enough. none of us are! that's not the point...if it were, no one would ever go to heaven...no one will ever be GOOD enough to get there"...that stopped me in my tracks and made me think!
all of a sudden it came back to me that God knew i'd never be GOOD enough to go to heaven...He knew i'd never DO good enough things to get there...that's why He'd sent His son Jesus in my place to take on the sins of the world...all of a sudden there was this deep sense of peace that i hadn't felt in way too long...shortly after that i had an experience that made me totally committ my life to Christ...some of you know the story...my encounter with Him that day was totally tailored to me...God has a sense of humor because He put me in a situation that was so out of my comfort zone and one in which i had no other choice but to encounter Him...and rely on Him...and in a split second had to choose between the life that i knew and hated...or to throw all that away and follow Him...not just traipse along behind...but to REALLY choose to follow Him and change my life forever...
i'd like to say to everyone that from that moment on, my life has been nothing but rainbows and candy, but it hasn't been...it's been hard...way harder than i ever thought it would be. being a christian (not just in name) has been one of the hardest challenges i've ever had to take on in my life. it has forced me to look at things in a whole other light. see, before i could justify things that i'd say or do because i didn't have God in my life...but now that i choose to have Him, i had this conscious develop...damn conscious! :) but, as difficult as it is, i have this peace that i've never had before, too. that's been the trade off for me...do i still screw up? absolutely, every day...several times a day...do i willingly make the wrong choices...absolutely, every day...do i know that God still has my back? absolutely, every day. it's taught me that no matter how black things can get, there will always be that one person in my life that shines the light and will continue to do so...my exploration and walk with God has taken me places i never thought i'd go...has put me before groups of people i never thought i'd know...has forced me to be the person i am supposed to be...and yes, it's uncomfortable...yes, it's hard...yes, it's scary...and yet, i can't imagine doing it any other way...
i still swear like a sailor some times...i still skip going to church sometimes...i still have a drink or two sometimes...i still talk about inappropriate subjects sometimes...i still judge unfairly sometimes...i still am not perfect...all the time...and yet, God is still there. He doesn't expect me to be anything other than the woman He created me to be. He knows that the way i am is the way i'll be...and He uses that to His glory. not every christian wears a suit and tie and sits in the front pew of church every sunday...some of us have tattoo's and ride harleys...but that's okay because God planned it that way! seriously...He knew that for me to do what i do and talk to those i talk to that i couldn't do it in pantyhose and heels...he knew i could do it with a cigarette in my hand and a pair of flip-flops on my feet...and that's cool to me...
i guess in all this rambling my message is this...don't be afraid to follow God because you think you're not good enough...i am living proof that there is no one good enough! just listen to what He's saying...keep your eyes out for the signs that He will give you...and rock on with your bad self!
Friday, August 27, 2010
i am reminded of the old alfred e. nuemann cartoon..."what? me worry?" seriously...why do i bother to worry about anything? if i would just continue to let God lead the way and not try to be such a control freak, i'd realize that HE is the only one that's in control and HE is the only one that should be directing my life...SOOOOOOO...why do i continue to worry?
as i was once again trying to direct stella on her leash this morning to stay away (AGAIN) from the ick leftover neighbor's dog "stuff", it struck me that it's very similar to my relationship with God...okay, allow me to explain...
i imagine myself on this long (as in no end in sight, long) tether between myself and God...when i choose to walk beside Him and follow Him without question, our walk together is a great one. i am able to look around and appreciate all that is in my sight/life and see all that is before me with excitement and anticipation. however, when i continue to try and force myself to go the other way or to try and get into the "icky" stuff, He gently tugs on the tether to bring me back around. although, sometimes, i think He probably gets frustrated and finally just says "ok, get into that crap" and lets me faulter until i've had enough and realize that any time i try to control the direction we're walking, it only leads to a large pile of crap!
as stella learns to follow me, her master, i will continue to learn to follow Christ...no questions asked...it's amazing how little less crap there is to wash off the bottom of my shoe when i do this...
as i was once again trying to direct stella on her leash this morning to stay away (AGAIN) from the ick leftover neighbor's dog "stuff", it struck me that it's very similar to my relationship with God...okay, allow me to explain...
i imagine myself on this long (as in no end in sight, long) tether between myself and God...when i choose to walk beside Him and follow Him without question, our walk together is a great one. i am able to look around and appreciate all that is in my sight/life and see all that is before me with excitement and anticipation. however, when i continue to try and force myself to go the other way or to try and get into the "icky" stuff, He gently tugs on the tether to bring me back around. although, sometimes, i think He probably gets frustrated and finally just says "ok, get into that crap" and lets me faulter until i've had enough and realize that any time i try to control the direction we're walking, it only leads to a large pile of crap!
as stella learns to follow me, her master, i will continue to learn to follow Christ...no questions asked...it's amazing how little less crap there is to wash off the bottom of my shoe when i do this...
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
shared burdens...happy tears
feeling really scattered lately...not sure how to get "reconnected" again. sometimes when i look in the mirror, i am surprised that my reflection is of a whole person and not someone in fragments.
as stella and i were taking our nightly jaunt, i started thinking about all the people that live on my block...and then all the people that live in my neighborhood...it ended up with me thinking about the billions of people that are in this world that i will never meet...and then, to all the people that make up my life. it boggles me to think about all the people that i have the honor to call friends and it just blows me away when i think that me...with all my quirks and insecurities and faults and sins and short comings have people that willingly choose to share their life with me and even more amazingly...want me to share my life with them.
i think back to the friend who i hadn't talked to in years that called and asked me to share in one of the most important days of her life, her wedding day...i think of the friend that honored me by asking me to be in the delivery room with her and let me be one of the first ones to hold her new little one...i think of the friend that came in the middle of the night because i needed her to watch tess when i had to take alex to the hospital...no questions asked, just came...i think of the friends that have left their jobs in the middle of the day to help me out with picking up my kids or running an errand for me...i think of the ones who've come to my home to share laughter and memories and those that have invited me to theirs to do the same...i think of my "only" friend that i had out east and how much i miss her...i think of all the friends that have mentored me, prayed with me and stood in the gap for me...i think of those who call up and invite us over for dinner at the last minute...for those that have cried with me and allowed me to do the same...for those that love "my boys"as much as i do and would drive hours away in the middle of the night to see them with me...for those that have held my hand, lent a shoulder and supported my heart...
for all of you...you have no idea how much i love you...for each and every thing that you have done, said, and the quiet moments in between...i look at my facebook group of friends and have a memory that makes me smile from every one...i may never actually win the lottery some day...but now i think...i already have.
as stella and i were taking our nightly jaunt, i started thinking about all the people that live on my block...and then all the people that live in my neighborhood...it ended up with me thinking about the billions of people that are in this world that i will never meet...and then, to all the people that make up my life. it boggles me to think about all the people that i have the honor to call friends and it just blows me away when i think that me...with all my quirks and insecurities and faults and sins and short comings have people that willingly choose to share their life with me and even more amazingly...want me to share my life with them.
i think back to the friend who i hadn't talked to in years that called and asked me to share in one of the most important days of her life, her wedding day...i think of the friend that honored me by asking me to be in the delivery room with her and let me be one of the first ones to hold her new little one...i think of the friend that came in the middle of the night because i needed her to watch tess when i had to take alex to the hospital...no questions asked, just came...i think of the friends that have left their jobs in the middle of the day to help me out with picking up my kids or running an errand for me...i think of the ones who've come to my home to share laughter and memories and those that have invited me to theirs to do the same...i think of my "only" friend that i had out east and how much i miss her...i think of all the friends that have mentored me, prayed with me and stood in the gap for me...i think of those who call up and invite us over for dinner at the last minute...for those that have cried with me and allowed me to do the same...for those that love "my boys"as much as i do and would drive hours away in the middle of the night to see them with me...for those that have held my hand, lent a shoulder and supported my heart...
for all of you...you have no idea how much i love you...for each and every thing that you have done, said, and the quiet moments in between...i look at my facebook group of friends and have a memory that makes me smile from every one...i may never actually win the lottery some day...but now i think...i already have.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
pee pads
i noticed stella, our five month old mini dachshund, had peed on tess's comforter...the one that i had just put on the bed...i lifted it off to wash it and noticed it had traveled down to the sheet, so i lifted that off...then i noticed it had gone down to the fitted sheet...so i lifted that off, and of course it was down to the mattress pad...it didn't go any further...okay, really, i stopped checking and just sprayed some febreeze on the mattress...
anyway, it just struck me that my life is made up of a series of peed on comforters...i think about all the times that i've dealt with a problem only to notice it kept going further and further down into something else and how often i've only wanted to deal with that first, superficial layer. it's only when i continue to peel off each layer that i am able to unearth something new...not that each layer always holds some key message or great masterpiece, it's usually just some more pee...but, i do know that until i get to the bottom of the "pee pit" as it were, can i make any real change in my life. sometimes i am lucky and can give the problem a good squirt of life's 'febreeze' and call it a day, but more often than not, i have to scrub and scrub and scrub until it's raw and uncomfortable.
i'd love to say that every problem gets resolved and everything comes out clean and shiny and new again...but, that's not the reality of life. life is messy. life is dirty. life is hard. life is raw. but i am grateful for all those times i've stuck it out and scrubbed until my arms ached and my eyes crossed, because it's only then that i've been able to really see my problems for what they are...a wonderful pile of blankets and quilts and pieces of fabric that are woven with memories and laughter and tears and lessons...they each hold the promise of a tomorrow and the sweetness of a past. each thread represents a lesson that i've learned, a problem that's been solved, and a memory that's been made. sure, some are a little more rough for wear and some even look downright shabby, but those are the ones that are the softest because those are the ones that have been handled the most...
anyway, it just struck me that my life is made up of a series of peed on comforters...i think about all the times that i've dealt with a problem only to notice it kept going further and further down into something else and how often i've only wanted to deal with that first, superficial layer. it's only when i continue to peel off each layer that i am able to unearth something new...not that each layer always holds some key message or great masterpiece, it's usually just some more pee...but, i do know that until i get to the bottom of the "pee pit" as it were, can i make any real change in my life. sometimes i am lucky and can give the problem a good squirt of life's 'febreeze' and call it a day, but more often than not, i have to scrub and scrub and scrub until it's raw and uncomfortable.
i'd love to say that every problem gets resolved and everything comes out clean and shiny and new again...but, that's not the reality of life. life is messy. life is dirty. life is hard. life is raw. but i am grateful for all those times i've stuck it out and scrubbed until my arms ached and my eyes crossed, because it's only then that i've been able to really see my problems for what they are...a wonderful pile of blankets and quilts and pieces of fabric that are woven with memories and laughter and tears and lessons...they each hold the promise of a tomorrow and the sweetness of a past. each thread represents a lesson that i've learned, a problem that's been solved, and a memory that's been made. sure, some are a little more rough for wear and some even look downright shabby, but those are the ones that are the softest because those are the ones that have been handled the most...
decision made...almost final...
alex will be living with my brother tim and my parents for this next school year...
after a lot of praying, talking, and listening...we've all (alex included) have decided that the best place for alex next year is with them. alex has always been very close to all of them and tim (and my brother joe) have been alex's surrogate father's from day one. even though he's not thrilled with not being able to finish high school in menomonie, alex said he'd rather live with them vs. brian...
ah, yes...brian...without trashing him in public, i'll just say that God gave a very clear message to all of us that alex living with brian would not be in alex's best interest...once again i was reminded very clearly that just because someone can father a child, it does not make them that child's dad...make sense? i am forever grateful that my brothers and my dad stepped up long, long ago and took on the responsibility of loving and raising alex as their own...most kids don't get that. he's one of the fortunate ones.
now, i just have to figure out what school district he is in for next year and then get him enrolled. please continue prayers that alex will transition well...he's never handled change very well and he's a very nervous about this new situation...
oh, yes, i did have those last minute thoughts of guilt and wondering if i was making the right decision...amazing how quickly that disappeared when i moved his end table and found his pipe...
after a lot of praying, talking, and listening...we've all (alex included) have decided that the best place for alex next year is with them. alex has always been very close to all of them and tim (and my brother joe) have been alex's surrogate father's from day one. even though he's not thrilled with not being able to finish high school in menomonie, alex said he'd rather live with them vs. brian...
ah, yes...brian...without trashing him in public, i'll just say that God gave a very clear message to all of us that alex living with brian would not be in alex's best interest...once again i was reminded very clearly that just because someone can father a child, it does not make them that child's dad...make sense? i am forever grateful that my brothers and my dad stepped up long, long ago and took on the responsibility of loving and raising alex as their own...most kids don't get that. he's one of the fortunate ones.
now, i just have to figure out what school district he is in for next year and then get him enrolled. please continue prayers that alex will transition well...he's never handled change very well and he's a very nervous about this new situation...
oh, yes, i did have those last minute thoughts of guilt and wondering if i was making the right decision...amazing how quickly that disappeared when i moved his end table and found his pipe...
Friday, August 20, 2010
slobbery kisses and slammed doors...
talked to alex briefly this evening...he seems a little less angry...or perhaps it's just my imagination wanting to convince my heart? i've been thinking about the past a lot lately which is probably normal given the latest circumstances of our lives...
ever since i can remember all i ever wanted to be was a mom. i played dolls until it was long past "cool" to do so, but it felt right. i never was more at peace than when i was holding a doll, changing a doll, being a mommy...even my barbie's were stay at home mom's before the phrase was coined. all the other little girls barbie dolls were single, career minded women who's eyes were constantly on the prize of moving up in their companies and buying the latest clothes...mine were generally school teachers married to gi joe (sorry ken...you just weren't that cool) and had about eight kids of varying sizes...i believe there was a dawn doll that always played the part of the older sister and steve from the sunshine family was a brother. there always seemed to be a lot of little ones around too...i'm thinking kiddles...remember those? anyway, i digress...
well, my barbie doll was a mom and spent her days doing laundry, grocery shopping and rocking babies and i am convinced she was ecstatic doing so. once the baby doll and barbie phase ended it was on to babysitting...couldn't wait to be old enough to do so. although, now that i think about it, i babysat for very few babies over the years. just pretending to be a mom for a few hours and a few dollars was enough...
the day i found out i was pregnant with alex is still etched in my memory. i remember every hiccup, every kick, every squirm he made. once he was here all i could do was hold him. i honestly don't think he got put down for longer than a diaper change or bath for the first six weeks. i could sit for hours just watching him do...well, nothing really...but yet, it seemed like the greatest thing ever. even the nights of no sleep was worth one of those toothless, slobbery grins from him...all the years of having to be a single mom and raise him the best i could was worth every slammed door, every i hate you, every i'll never forgive you...
even now, when i haven't seen that beautiful smile spread across his face for such a long time, i still see that amazing little miracle laying on his back, arms and legs moving in every direction, just happy to be alive. i know that his spirit is still there inside...just covered up by the lies that drugs can tell.
he's still that miracle and i am still happiest being his mom...
ever since i can remember all i ever wanted to be was a mom. i played dolls until it was long past "cool" to do so, but it felt right. i never was more at peace than when i was holding a doll, changing a doll, being a mommy...even my barbie's were stay at home mom's before the phrase was coined. all the other little girls barbie dolls were single, career minded women who's eyes were constantly on the prize of moving up in their companies and buying the latest clothes...mine were generally school teachers married to gi joe (sorry ken...you just weren't that cool) and had about eight kids of varying sizes...i believe there was a dawn doll that always played the part of the older sister and steve from the sunshine family was a brother. there always seemed to be a lot of little ones around too...i'm thinking kiddles...remember those? anyway, i digress...
well, my barbie doll was a mom and spent her days doing laundry, grocery shopping and rocking babies and i am convinced she was ecstatic doing so. once the baby doll and barbie phase ended it was on to babysitting...couldn't wait to be old enough to do so. although, now that i think about it, i babysat for very few babies over the years. just pretending to be a mom for a few hours and a few dollars was enough...
the day i found out i was pregnant with alex is still etched in my memory. i remember every hiccup, every kick, every squirm he made. once he was here all i could do was hold him. i honestly don't think he got put down for longer than a diaper change or bath for the first six weeks. i could sit for hours just watching him do...well, nothing really...but yet, it seemed like the greatest thing ever. even the nights of no sleep was worth one of those toothless, slobbery grins from him...all the years of having to be a single mom and raise him the best i could was worth every slammed door, every i hate you, every i'll never forgive you...
even now, when i haven't seen that beautiful smile spread across his face for such a long time, i still see that amazing little miracle laying on his back, arms and legs moving in every direction, just happy to be alive. i know that his spirit is still there inside...just covered up by the lies that drugs can tell.
he's still that miracle and i am still happiest being his mom...
today...
not sure how i should be feeling about everything. part of me is relieved to have a break from the drama and the other part is sad because the break in the drama is because alex isn't here. it's so hard. i find myself wavering between wanting him to make changes and get help and wanting him home again. i feel so bad that i had to "send him away" to a father that has had little to no contact with him throughout his life. am i a bad mom for doing so? is my sanity really worth all of this? do i really need a break in the drama that badly?
i tell ya...it's not easy. i hear the pain and abandonment in his voice when i talk to him. i wish i could wave that proverbial magic wand and take it all away and replace it with the life and spirit that used to be in him...it tears me up knowing that i cannot fix this no matter what...
driving home the other night i had that "aha, V-8 moment". it finally dawned on me that until i step aside, God can't do His thing in alex's life. until the cost is high enough for alex and until he has to make a great enough sacrifice, nothing will change. i guess it's between God and alex now. which is great...but, there's still that little part of me that wants to make things happen NOW!
i know that it will all work out and that all alex has experienced over the past five years of his drug addiction will be used in some extremely powerful and positive way. i now that God has his back and that He's just waiting for alex to give him the sign and allow Him into his life...
i think waiting is the hardest part.
i tell ya...it's not easy. i hear the pain and abandonment in his voice when i talk to him. i wish i could wave that proverbial magic wand and take it all away and replace it with the life and spirit that used to be in him...it tears me up knowing that i cannot fix this no matter what...
driving home the other night i had that "aha, V-8 moment". it finally dawned on me that until i step aside, God can't do His thing in alex's life. until the cost is high enough for alex and until he has to make a great enough sacrifice, nothing will change. i guess it's between God and alex now. which is great...but, there's still that little part of me that wants to make things happen NOW!
i know that it will all work out and that all alex has experienced over the past five years of his drug addiction will be used in some extremely powerful and positive way. i now that God has his back and that He's just waiting for alex to give him the sign and allow Him into his life...
i think waiting is the hardest part.
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