talked to alex briefly this evening...he seems a little less angry...or perhaps it's just my imagination wanting to convince my heart? i've been thinking about the past a lot lately which is probably normal given the latest circumstances of our lives...
ever since i can remember all i ever wanted to be was a mom. i played dolls until it was long past "cool" to do so, but it felt right. i never was more at peace than when i was holding a doll, changing a doll, being a mommy...even my barbie's were stay at home mom's before the phrase was coined. all the other little girls barbie dolls were single, career minded women who's eyes were constantly on the prize of moving up in their companies and buying the latest clothes...mine were generally school teachers married to gi joe (sorry ken...you just weren't that cool) and had about eight kids of varying sizes...i believe there was a dawn doll that always played the part of the older sister and steve from the sunshine family was a brother. there always seemed to be a lot of little ones around too...i'm thinking kiddles...remember those? anyway, i digress...
well, my barbie doll was a mom and spent her days doing laundry, grocery shopping and rocking babies and i am convinced she was ecstatic doing so. once the baby doll and barbie phase ended it was on to babysitting...couldn't wait to be old enough to do so. although, now that i think about it, i babysat for very few babies over the years. just pretending to be a mom for a few hours and a few dollars was enough...
the day i found out i was pregnant with alex is still etched in my memory. i remember every hiccup, every kick, every squirm he made. once he was here all i could do was hold him. i honestly don't think he got put down for longer than a diaper change or bath for the first six weeks. i could sit for hours just watching him do...well, nothing really...but yet, it seemed like the greatest thing ever. even the nights of no sleep was worth one of those toothless, slobbery grins from him...all the years of having to be a single mom and raise him the best i could was worth every slammed door, every i hate you, every i'll never forgive you...
even now, when i haven't seen that beautiful smile spread across his face for such a long time, i still see that amazing little miracle laying on his back, arms and legs moving in every direction, just happy to be alive. i know that his spirit is still there inside...just covered up by the lies that drugs can tell.
he's still that miracle and i am still happiest being his mom...
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