the flip-flop wearing christian with the pink flamingo tattoo

i was not looking forward to this weekend at all...i knew that it would be difficult since it was the first time alex and i would be together since the decision was made for him to not live with me...he's still angry, but i can live with that...i trust in time that all things will work out for God's glory...

i've been fortunate enough to spend the weekend at my cousin, tina and her husband brian's, bed and breakfast in ashland, called 'the inn at timber cove'...i would highly recommend it for anyone that is needing some peace and renewal in their life to check it out...perhaps because it's next door to my grandparents old place that i feel such a connection here?  but, i think it's mostly because it's truly a God's country kind of place.  there's paths to walk in the woods and flowers and trees everywhere and i am continually reminded of all the gifts that have been given to us.

feeling much more positive and ready to take on the challenges that are ahead, knowing that tough times will continue to come, but also knowing that i can rely on the strength of those around me and most of all on God...i pray for all of those in our world that are going through the blackest of times and do not have God in their life...i know what that feels like...i know what it is to be so far down in the ickyness of despair and shame and fear and truly believing that there is no way out...i've lived those days of being only in the moment and feeling that my time on earth is all there is and that horrendous notion of thinking that i'd already screwed up so much of my life that there was no other option except to live the rest of my days being unhappy, sad, and downtrodden...

i am forever grateful to the one comment of my brother tim that changed it all...he and i were outside one night and i was feeling incredibly low...my relationship with doug had just ended and i was feeling like more of a failure than usual.  tim sensed that something was going on and he asked me about it.  i explained to him that i was thirty five years old and with everything i'd done wrong in my life that there was nothing positive to look forward to ever again because i KNEW that this life on earth was all i had...how depressing to think that i could live the next 50 plus years and this was all the better it was going to be...and it was so crappy....tim just looked at me and said, "what do you mean this is all you have?  don't you believe in God?"  i said, well, yeah, so what...what's that going to do?  he replied, "you're going to heaven, aren't you?"  i looked at him and said, "no.  i'm not.  this is all there is for me."  he sort of did a double take and said, "do you accept christ as your savior and know that jesus christ is god's son?"  well, duh, tim...i'd been raised catholic, you know...what about it?  he said, "well, then you're going to heaven."  i said, "no, i'm not..."  his response, "why not?"  my response, "because i'm not good enough to go"...tim then laughed heartily and said, "well no **** you're not good enough.  none of us are!  that's not the point...if it were, no one would ever go to heaven...no one will ever be GOOD enough to get there"...that stopped me in my tracks and made me think!

all of a sudden it came back to me that God knew i'd never be GOOD enough to go to heaven...He knew i'd never DO good enough things to get there...that's why He'd sent His son Jesus in my place to take on the sins of the world...all of a sudden there was this deep sense of peace that i hadn't felt in way too long...shortly after that i had an experience that made me totally committ my life to Christ...some of you know the story...my encounter with Him that day was totally tailored to me...God has a sense of humor because He put me in a situation that was so out of my comfort zone and one in which i had no other choice but to encounter Him...and rely on Him...and in a split second had to choose between the life that i knew and hated...or to throw all that away and follow Him...not just traipse along behind...but to REALLY choose to follow Him and change my life forever...

i'd like to say to everyone that from that moment on, my life has been nothing but rainbows and candy, but it hasn't been...it's been hard...way harder than i ever thought it would be.  being a christian (not just in name) has been one of the hardest challenges i've ever had to take on in my life.  it has forced me to look at things in a whole other light. see, before i could justify things that i'd say or do because i didn't have God in my life...but now that i choose to have Him, i had this conscious develop...damn conscious! :)  but, as difficult as it is, i have this peace that i've never had before, too.  that's been the trade off for me...do i still screw up?  absolutely, every day...several times a day...do i willingly make the wrong choices...absolutely, every day...do i know that God still has my back?  absolutely, every day.  it's taught me that no matter how black things can get, there will always be that one person in my life that shines the light and will continue to do so...my exploration and walk with God has taken me places i never thought i'd go...has put me before groups of people i never thought i'd know...has forced me to be the person i am supposed to be...and yes, it's uncomfortable...yes, it's hard...yes, it's scary...and yet, i can't imagine doing it any other way...

i still swear like a sailor some times...i still skip going to church sometimes...i still have a drink or two sometimes...i still talk about inappropriate subjects sometimes...i still judge unfairly sometimes...i still am not perfect...all the time...and yet, God is still there.  He doesn't expect me to be anything other than the woman He created me to be.  He knows that the way i am is the way i'll be...and He uses that to His glory.  not every christian wears a suit and tie and sits in the front pew of church every sunday...some of us have tattoo's and ride harleys...but that's okay because God planned it that way!  seriously...He knew that for me to do what i do and talk to those i talk to that i couldn't do it in pantyhose and heels...he knew i could do it with a cigarette in my hand and a pair of flip-flops on my feet...and that's cool to me...

i guess in all this rambling my message is this...don't be afraid to follow God because you think you're not good enough...i am living proof that there is no one good enough!  just listen to what He's saying...keep your eyes out for the signs that He will give you...and rock on with your bad self!