not sure how i should be feeling about everything. part of me is relieved to have a break from the drama and the other part is sad because the break in the drama is because alex isn't here. it's so hard. i find myself wavering between wanting him to make changes and get help and wanting him home again. i feel so bad that i had to "send him away" to a father that has had little to no contact with him throughout his life. am i a bad mom for doing so? is my sanity really worth all of this? do i really need a break in the drama that badly?
i tell ya...it's not easy. i hear the pain and abandonment in his voice when i talk to him. i wish i could wave that proverbial magic wand and take it all away and replace it with the life and spirit that used to be in him...it tears me up knowing that i cannot fix this no matter what...
driving home the other night i had that "aha, V-8 moment". it finally dawned on me that until i step aside, God can't do His thing in alex's life. until the cost is high enough for alex and until he has to make a great enough sacrifice, nothing will change. i guess it's between God and alex now. which is great...but, there's still that little part of me that wants to make things happen NOW!
i know that it will all work out and that all alex has experienced over the past five years of his drug addiction will be used in some extremely powerful and positive way. i now that God has his back and that He's just waiting for alex to give him the sign and allow Him into his life...
i think waiting is the hardest part.
Pauline, you are wonderful and I will miss you at work. Like you said, it's between God and Alex now. Alex has to let God guide and control his life...as do we all. :) Tough love is just that...TOUGH! In the long run, he will thank you and God definitely will use this time. Not only in Alex's life, but in yours as well. Hang in there sister...prayers are with you and remember that He loves our kids WAY more than we ever could.
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